Warning Sign?

Remember that scene in Bruce Almighty when he is driving down the road begging for a sign from God and the truck in front of him is basically throwing signs at him? Well I had that moment today...

I've kinda been seeing this guy lately.  Nothing totally serious but something was truly there until both sets of our roommates started to annoy us with questions about when we were getting married, my ring size and 'The Date' which really made us panic and so we agreed on taking a step back.  I was ok with this agreement, no it was not my ideal plan but it just seemed to feel right.

Within in days of this agreement he had a new girl on his arm at the ward activities and when she was distracted he would come over and be all lovey-dovey with me.  I wont lie, this broke my heart.  But I did my best to be strong and I prayed every night that he would come back to me.  I had become so used to him making me lunch and dinner every day, to him calling me first thing in the morning,to spend my every waking moment with him, to calling him and listening to him talk while I fell asleep, that I did not know what to do with myself.  Days would go by without a word from him.  Then one Sunday I spoke in church (for the first time ever might I add) and BAM!! he was at my side, holding my hand, parading me around after sacrament, talking with my family, it was just insane.  And then another week would go by without even a text from him.  I did my best to not fall for him every time he decided he had time for me.  It didn't always work...ok fine...it never worked...

Then my home teacher asked me on a date which was an awkward idea but I went along with it.  Hours before the date I found out that it was a double date with him.  My family has been going through some pretty awful trials lately and this was my breaking point.  I could not go on this date and watch him flirt with some other girl while I was stuck with my sweet -but awkward- home teacher.  I called my poor home teacher and told him I had a family emergency and left.

That Saturday was our monthly free breakfast at my complex.  Both my home teacher and him were fighting for my attention.  Even to the point of trying to put food in my mouth as if I was a baby.  Thankfully my roommates had my back and helped me shun both guys.  When I had finally hit the point of no return I stood up with my roommates to leave when my other (yes, I know it's really confusing) asked me how my family was doing and if I was ok.  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, whether for my heartbreak for him or my family I don't know.  All I knew was I made an awfully, stupid squeak sound, turned, and ran out of the clubhouse.

The next night, Sunday, I couldn't do it anymore.  My life was in turmoil and I needed a blessing.  But I had no one I could really feel like I could ask... except for him. So I did it.  11:30 at night I texted him asking for a blessing and before I knew he was calling me.  I did my best to get myself under control before I answered but the second I said Hello he knew I was crying and ran over to my apartment.  2 minutes later we were sitting on my couch with me crying my eyes out to him.  He held me for the longest time, saying everything I needed to hear, being everything I ever wanted.  He promised that first thing in the morning he and his roommate would give me a blessing.  I swear, he was crying just as hard as I was.

Time for the blessing finally rolled around.  It really helped so much, those 2 guys were everything I needed.  But it was a battle to not allow my feelings for him to return.

Another week goes by without a word.  And with all my free time I have found out some dirty little secrets about him and some other girls in the ward.  By this time I am past any emotion for him and I am determined to move on.

You see, to back-track, there was this guy that I had a minor crush on since the day he moved into the ward late July.  No matter what I did, how hard I tried, or the dress I wore to church, I never really had his attention.  We had joked about going on a date but nothing ever came from it until today after Sunday School when he TOLD me we were going on a date this Thursday and that he would be at my door at 7 for mini golf.  Let's just say I am still in shock.

TONIGHT at ward prayer this guy, Tyler, that has finally noticed me barely even spoke to me.  And the main guy in this story came up and asked me how I am doing.  I completely shrugged him off, I really did not want to talk to him about any of it.  Then he asked me (because he is a film major at BYU and is beyond talented) if I would be his main girl in the next movie he is shooting.  He said he needed a 'beautiful, red carpet kind of girl'.  So I asked him when he was filming because let's face it, I have feelings for him and cannot say no. He said Thursday night at 7.  I'm not kidding when I say Tyler's head popped up and he was staring at me just waiting for me to answer.  He looked kind of scared to be honest.  That's when I told him that I had plans and Tyler took a very needed breath.  He hugged me, told me to have a good week and walked away.

Is this my huge truck full of warning signs telling me to move on?  Am I this stubborn for my boy drama to get this bad?  Should I just date outside my ward from now on?
Don't answer that.

Sickness

It's in the air again... oh the joys of getting sick.  First my roommate got sick and we all laughed and said, "thank you, Karma!" because no one gets a long with her.  Then I got sick, and now a fellow beloved roommate is sick. We're just waiting for the last one to get sick.  Then we can all cough and sniff together!!
Until then...
When will this cold go away??

Rough draft

I have a paper due in my English class that is suppose to be about an event that changed our lives.  This has probably been one of the hardest things I have ever done because not only does it force me to look into my past but to pick it apart and to write it down for others to read.  It makes me nervous, beyond uneasy, but in a way it has been kind of nice to let it all out.  So here is the rough draft.  Mind you, it isn't done, not even close and please don't judge.  Ingwish aint me friend.


Rebecca Murdock
Dr. Jim Birrell
English 1010
September 24, 2012

Fallen Angel

In this paper I will talk about the event that changed my life forever, the day my Grandfather passed away.  At the time I looked at the event as a form of punishment from God and acted against Him but 13 years later I have realized how far from the truth I was.
I was 8 years old and had recently been baptized into the LDS Church.  A Monday morning in September my Mom received a call informing her that my Grandfather, her Dad, was once again in the hospital.  By the time my Mom picked me up from school I knew this wasn’t a small trip to the hospital like all the times in the past.
The entire family was gathered around my Grandfather’s hospital bed.  A prayer was said some where in a corner and a storm raged outside the window.  I held my Grandfather’s hand as the heart monitor stopped beating.  My life changed for the worse in that moment of silence.
First off my parents have been divorced since I was two years old.  This left my Mom forced to work a full-time job while my Grandfather stepped in to raise me as one of his own.  There was not a day in my life that I didn’t spend with him.
My Grandfather taught me right from wrong, to never give up, and to be strong.  From the very beginning my life was full of trials but with my Grandfather’s help I could face them.  Before long he became more of a Dad than a Grandfather.  He was my foundation.  He was my life.
So when my Grandfather passed away I felt more than lost, I felt abandoned by everyone.  The Church no longer mattered to me and God became my enemy.  How could the ‘All Powerful’ punish such a young girl who hasn’t done anything but survive?  How could everyone continue on with their lives when mine was destroyed.  No one even noticed when I left the Church and gave up on school.
By Christmas I had become a cold shell of a girl.  My Mom had encouraged me back into school but I never gave any attention to it.  I had pushed away all my friends and my family was in such distress by my Grandfather’s passing that I had no one left in my life.  I had devoted the rest of my life to fight against God.
When I was 12 years old I heard a story about Fallen Angels.  It was said that the Angels were God’s right-hand warriors who had done something to upset the All Mighty.  He stripped them of their wings and banished the Angels to Earth for eternal punishment.  This story sounded so similar to my own life.  Finally I had some new belief to hold onto.  Some thing to give me answers as to “Why me?”
At the time of my 16th birthday I had become a professional liar.  I had made friends that had no idea how cold my heart was.  No one knew of the daily pain I suffered.  No one could understand the constant battles I had with God.
My Grandfather was the glue that held my family together, with his passing some how I became the glue.  It was my duty to keep everyone calm and friendly, to keep everyone together.  This was a job I didn’t want.
As the years passed, trial after trial began to build up.  The lies I told were like handcuffs on my soul.  I had no bright future, no future at all.  I began to wonder how much longer I could live with my unloving heart.  I was beginning to tire from my constant war with God.

Tiredness

Well I'm not off to a great start but can I just say that I am up and gone by 8 in the morning and fall into bed well past midnight.  Ugh, it's been a long week.  I am soooooooo tired.

But I have been able to attend two different ThePianoGuys concerts this week which were unbelievably amazing! Steven Sharp Nelson is awesome!  I really hope and pray the group and make it big time! Love those guys!

The kittens are doing great!!! Apollo opened his eyes last night!  They are so close to that fun playful stage!!

And that is my life.

It's crazy.

It's random.

It's tiring.

But I love it!

Goodnight y'all.

Trials and Pick-Me-Ups

It's funny how I can't remember if this lesson was taught in Sunday School or Seminary, let alone the teacher, but I do remember a small part of the lesson.  That God did not pick our trials that we face on this Earth, we did.  We chose our own trials.  Then and now I thought, "Why did I hate myself so much?!?!  Why did I pick all the hard trials?!"  That idea always bothered me in a way.  If I really got to choose my own trials before coming to this Earth I most certainly could have chosen a little easier set.  

Yesterday I was walking through a small part of Hell when I decided that if in fact I did choose this for myself, that I knew how hard it was going to be, I would have set up a few pick-me-ups along the way.  Now where were they??  I had lost my marbles for the day and my temper was next when I got in the car and drove to Springville.  There on the porch was our adopted outdoor cat and 3 tiny kittens.  Hello pick-me-up!!  They are about the cutest things I have ever seen!  Spooks is the new mom, Pascal is gray with long fur that almost looks unreal, Abu is the runt who is black with a white spike down the center of his face and of course we have little Apollo (or maybe Kocoum) who is also black but with a white tummy!

I have spent every possible moment snuggling my new little friends!  Paying attention in school is going to be difficult tomorrow after spending the day with the little ones.  At least I have the weekend to play with them!

So in the end, I failed at picking out trials for myself but I ROCK at the pick-me-ups!

And yes, they are all Disney names!!!

Growing Up

So my English Professor is making us blog every single day for the rest of the semester. Yuck. Yes, Dr. Birrell, I said YUCK!  But I will do my best to do as asked and post daily about my silly little life.  Here we go.

Today the subject of growing up has been in the air.  Along with the awful smog and smoke in the air we, as in my roommates Melissa, Rachel, and I, have discovered we can no longer live like this.  Some one needs to grow up and I'm not afraid to say it's not one of us.  Her name is Vivi.  The fourth roommate.  Talk about a 'Molly-Mormon'. Oh dear, the battles we have had. But in our defense we have tried to get along with her.  We have tried to be nice.  We have tried to not be rude.  Yesterday it all blew up in our faces and all four of us were put on the path to Hell.  Vivi has had enough of our 'party ways' and is finally moving out.  I don't even feel bad, I doubt Meli and Rachel do either.

Apparently she has told the entire ward, including the Bishop, how we are awful human beings and that we party every night until 4 in the morning.  That is really funny to me because I must have missed all the parties in my own apartment. Must have been when I was wearing sweat pants and watching Tangled with Meli and Rachel.  Funny.

Tonight the three of us got dressed and attended the FHE to show that we aren't what our other roommate has said about us.  We were hoping to start fresh and that things will go better for everyone.  We soon realized that we really are the party girls compared to the rest of the ward.  Oh no.  These poor girls need some serious help and the boys are well, just that, boys.  We didn't make in an hour before we were inching toward the door praying that no one would notice our leave.  And then we all laughed the whole way home realizing how silly this all is.

Some one needs to grow up.  My two roommates and I are from different walks of life.  We see the world so differently and yet we get a long.  We laugh. We love. We are enjoying our lives.  We have grown up for the time being and we have put aside our differences.  It is the fourth roommates turn.  I'm sad to say that I doubt she will.  She is very set in her ways and not willing to move.  I sure hope she can survive her life because she is only making it harder on herself.  As my roommate Rachel stated tonight, "That girl needs to either go suck her thumb or grow up!"  So Vivi, here's your chance.  Other than that, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Bring It On

It is truly amazing how much a life can change in a year.  

For example, not that long ago I was engaged and planning a wedding while still going to school.  Now I'm flyin solo and actually loving it!  It has been nice to focus on school and my family.  Yes, there are bad days.  Times when the day can pass and I didn't even try to get out of bed.  Some times I stay up late and cry over the future that was lost. I beg the clouds "Why me? What did I do to deserve this pain?"  I know that God has a plan for me and that every thing will work out in the end, it is just getting to the end that can be tricky at times.

Family. ily. I love you.  It's true.  I love my family more than anything!  They are my foundation.  And like every family some times even a single look from one of them pushes a button.  Still, I look forward to every single Sunday Dinner.  Nothing can compare with the joys of sitting around in a big circle, eating and talking about the important things in our lives.  Watching all the little kids running around is always fun as well, even though it makes me feel old when I can't keep up with them... There is also the family that I don't get to see every Sunday but they are just as important to me.  We are a family that is forever.

My roommates have brought a new kind of crazy into my life!  Some days it rocks... other days... not so much.  Either way I look forward to every day with them, it's never boring that's for sure! on my own is crazy in of itself.  Like I said, my roommates have brought a new form of crazy into my life.  I live with 3 girls that I never knew before and if you know me at all you understand just how crazy it is that we all live together and get along!  I love those girls!  And even in these few months we have all grown so much.

I'll be right honest with you all.  I was inactive for a good part of my life but now I'm strong in the Church, stronger than I have ever been.  I read my scriptures and for once in my life I have a testimony.  I know the trials that I have faced were for my benefit even if I couldn't understand why.  I have finally let go of my stubborn pride (as much as possible) and I'm leaving my life in His hands.  He has better plans than I do anyway. ;)

 

11 years ago I was sitting in class with my friends watching those towers.  We all sat in silence and wondered what waited for us in the coming months.    

A year ago I was in my first month of school and wondering where to go next.

I never would have dreamed I would be standing where I am today.  So all I have to say to the next year for America and myself is, Bring It On!