No, it's not the Swine Flu again. It's not a cold, not the allergies, not anything like that.
To be honest. I'm not sure what it is. I swear I nearly died during the Ragnar race this past weekend. I was offered the chance for an IV but I knew if I took it I couldn't finish the race, my legs would be given to the rest of the team to run. I couldn't do that. Not to them. They were doing everything they could, I couldn't add to that.
I worked my butt off my senior year at MATC just knowing that I would get a job faster then I could blink my eyes. I have now applied for over 20 different jobs. I have yet to even have a single interview. My mom keeps finding new jobs for me, keeps getting so happy she can't stop smiling. And every time I sit on the couch all day long for weeks on end staring at the phone praying to God that it just might ring. Every time the phone stays silent. Every time I feel like I let my mom down. That I some how have failed her yet again.
Now hush, I know I haven't really failed her like that, that in our world it doesn't matter what you know, just who you know. And even if you know some of the right people, they just can't afford to hire someone new.
I was in orchestra for countless years in school. I tried so hard at first to be the best. To make everyone proud of me. To prove I could do something good. And after some time it hit me that there were other kids that we just better than me. That I could never be as good as them. By the time we were in high school I had completely given up, I didn't even try anymore.
I just feel sick all the time. Not barfing, running nose, headaches. No, not like that. It's more like no matter how hard I try, how hard I work for a race, how good I make my resume look, how much I practice that it just doesn't matter. No one notices, no one cares. The only time anyone cares is when I let them down. It's hard. I don't like it. I know in time it will all be better. That everything works out in the end. I just hate this in between thing going on here.
I just need a cure to this sickness.
(*sad smile*) I'm sorry, Becca. I've been there, and I don't know if it's really something that only happens once and then you get over it. I felt like that for a few weeks at a time periodically during this last year at college. Let me see if I understand what you're trying to say, because this is the way I felt:
ReplyDelete"I can't do anything. Something must be wrong with me. I've worked so hard, and other people have worked even harder, to get myself where I am just to find out that I don't have what it takes to make it all the way. Why do I bother? Everything I've ever expected out of my future is a lie and a delusion. I just must not have what it takes to be great. I'll always be stuck here in the "almost there" stage. Working my butt off for no reason, because I was never going to make it anyway. I'm going to bed."
It's not fun.
And I can't say that I learned how to realize my actuality and become a worthwhile person or anything. My strategy is just to try to keep doing things, no matter how crappy I feel. If I can accomplish something as small as a load of dishes, sometimes I feel as though I might be worth something after all.
I have been suffering from a similar disease for a long time. The worst part is when you know you really are doing the best you can and working your hardest just to have nothing turn out right. I just want you to know that you are an inspiration to me Becca. You have helped me so much with my problems, and I hope you count that as an accomplishment. I am grateful to have your friendship, and that is huge. Being a friend and being successful in your own bubble is way more important that being successful to the world.
ReplyDeleteEvery smile you create is worth more than you can ever know. Every kind word you say is written in books that will last longer than any history book. You are a beautiful, wonderful girl and you are bound to have good things come your way. Just keep being you and realize the people that really matter most are the ones who love you and cheer you on no matter what. Just keep swimming babe!
I say caloric therapy is in order. I recommend a large bag of Lays potato chips, your favorite candy bar or ice cream, and a good cry movie. I suggest Beaches. Just revel in the depression for a little bit and cry it out. With or without company, your choice.
ReplyDeleteThe day will be brighter. Until then, use a flashlight and make shadow puppets on the wall.
I believe in you!